SHARED PLEASURES - WHEN DESIRE DROP

Is it normal to go through periods when I don’t feel like having sex? How can I handle it without hurting my partner?

This question hides a tricky little word: normal.
Normal compared to what? The average? Your always-in-the-mood friend? Or that movie couple who somehow has sex while doing the dishes? In sexuality, “normal” is basically a mythical creature: everyone talks about it, no one has actually seen it.

That said: yes. It’s more than common to go through phases when desire drops, gets distracted, or goes on vacation entirely.

Desire isn’t a switch: it’s more like a sensitive plant. It reacts to stress, exhaustion, work, hormones, medication, boredom… life. Life happening. You’re not questioning the relationship; you’re focused on caring for your partner. That’s a great place to start. In a couple, the golden rule is simple: no forcing it. Duty sex doesn’t reignite desire: it usually convinces it to move out.

But silence isn’t the solution either. Left unspoken, it can slowly turn into distance or perceived rejection.

The way through? Simple, honest communication (radical, we know). Speak in the first person:
“I’ve had less desire lately.”
“I’m really tired these days.”
And separate desire from feeling:
“I want you, even if my libido is low right now.”

No press conference required. No long justifications. Just the reassurance that this is a phase to move through together, not a verdict on the relationship.

Not wanting sex is not a fault. And it says nothing about the value of your bond.

Sex isn’t a continuous exam. It’s more like a conversation: the tone shifts, the rhythm changes, the volume goes up and down. And sometimes, it needs a coffee break. If you do want to reconnect with desire, first rule: remove the pressure. Desire hates obligations. Then widen the definition of intimacy. Less performance and penetration; more touch, kissing, closeness. And yes: a toy, a candle, or some massage oil can help shift the mood.

If, over time, it starts to feel like a real issue, talking to a sex counselor can make a big difference. There are focused, even short-term paths that are incredibly helpful.

Every month we answer a sexuality question in the Florence-based magazine Lungarno. Write to us at info@laclit.com or DM us on IG with yours.